


The Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Erotica, M/M, Slash, The Quidditch Pitch: The Changing Room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-22
Updated: 2006-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-27 18:07:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10814082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Sirius has detention.





	The Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

“I’ve got detention,” Sirius had said. “Potions classroom, tonight at eight. Never mind that it wasn’t my fault at all that Snape threw stuff in my cauldron and it blew up and now I have to clean it up. I’m sorry, Moony.”

“That’s all right,” Remus had replied. Sirius had given him a disbelieving look--it was Remus’s birthday!--but Remus just smiled. “No, really, Sirius. It’s all right.” The smile grew bigger.

Remus was up to something. That much was patently obvious. And, standing in the Potions classroom, semi-listening to the Potions professor, who wouldn’t have cared that it was Remus’s birthday even if he knew, drone on about proper care of one’s potion and following the instructions and refraining from disturbing the class because of explosions, Sirius pondered what exactly it was that Remus was going to do.

“...cleaning without a wand,” Professor Nackledirk said, and Sirius nearly groaned. Cleaning up this mess without a wand...sadistic, that was what it was. Leave him too tired afterwards to do anything but sleep. Dastardly plan, especially when he still needed to give Remus a birthday shag--the one in the morning was interrupted by James throwing presents at them. “Cleaning supplies are on your desk. I’ll be back in three hours to see how well you’ve done.” He held out a hand, palm up. “Wand, Mr Black.”

Reluctantly, Sirius handed over his wand. The torturer of a professor took it and shoved it in his pocket with a slightly nasty smile--he hadn’t like Sirius ever since Sirius accidentally made an Impotence Potion and tricked the professor into drinking some. Sirius wanted to glare dirtily at him, but he was turning around and leaving the room, and so the glare would have been wasted.

Once the door shut behind the professor, Sirius surveyed the room. Bits of exploded green potion were congealing nearly everywhere--the walls, the floor, some of the desks, the ceiling...and how the hell was he supposed to get it off the fucking _ceiling_ without a wand? Bloody professor _certainly_ deserved more Impotence Potion for this, especially when if it weren’t for this detention, Sirius would be having sex right then.

“Boo,” a familiar voice whispered in his ear, and Sirius jumped and swore. He turned around and saw nothing, until two hands appeared and drew back the hood of James’s Invisibility Cloak, revealing the laughing face of Remus Lupin.

“Moony!” Sirius hissed, once he got over his surprise. “What’re you doing here, why aren’t you up in Gryffindor with everyone else?”

“And leave you down here all alone with your undeserved detention?” he replied complacently, and grinned. “Besides, I was listening. We’ve got three hours of uninterrupted time, which is probably more than we would have gotten back in Gryffindor.”

“But,” Sirius said, not entirely sure why he was protesting when Remus was grinning at him like that, “the classroom. It needs to be clean, before Nackledirk comes back. And he took my wand, the bloody bastard.”

Remus’s grin widened. “That’s all right,” he said, “because I still have mine.” He pulled the Invisibility Cloak completely off and took out his wand. “ _Scourgify,_ ” he said firmly, and the goo all over the classroom disappeared.

“Moony, you are a god, and I could kiss you,” Sirius said fervently. He surveyed the room, and noticed with glee that it would certainly be clean enough for Nackledirk, meticulous git. Good thing Remus was meticulous too.

“Mmmm,” Remus said, and stretched. “Why don’t you, then?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at Sirius.

“No reason,” Sirius said, and grabbed Remus around the waist, pulling them closer together. Remus went willingly, raising his hands to tangle his fingers in Sirius’s hair. “Though maybe the dungeons aren’t the best place for this,” Sirius murmured, just before their lips met.

“Shut up,” Remus ordered. “They’re quiet and we’re alone, which is better than we’ll get in Gryffindor. Now just kiss me.” And Sirius lived to obey--he leaned forward and caught Remus’s lips with his own, tugging gently on Remus’s lower lip with his teeth until Remus gasped. And then Remus’s tongue tangled with Sirius’s the way that his hands were tangling in Sirius’s hair and it felt _so good_ , the slide of tongues against each other and breath hot in each other’s mouths and tiny noises that were something between gasps and moans coming from both of them and Sirius relished that it was Remus, that it was only Remus who could kiss him this way, make him _feel_ things this way, that no one ever had before or ever would again and it was just _Remus_ for forever...

“ _Sirius,_ ” Remus whispered, almost keening, their mouths against each other and bodies pressed together as if glued, and maybe they were, glued with Remus’s sweat and Sirius’s pants and the heat pooling in their guts and exploding stars behind their eyelids.

“God, _Remus,_ ” Sirius said in reply, and broke the kiss, tilting his head back in double effort to catch his breath and not look at Remus, because looking at Remus would mean seeing that look in his eyes, that possessive intensity and fire, and if he saw that Sirius wouldn’t be able to hold himself back, and this would end far too quickly on the dungeon floor.

Then Remus started a trail of nips and kisses down his throat, bared to Remus’s lips and teeth and tongue, and Sirius shuddered and felt he would collapse if Remus hadn’t been leaning against him.

“Sit down,” he groaned, unable to manage anything more, especially not a full sentence. “Legs--going to give out!”

Remus stepped back, and it seemed as if the heat went with him, followed him everywhere, centering in his eyes and his hands. He looked at Sirius, that _look_ , the one that made Sirius want to rub against Remus all over. “Up on the desk, then,” Remus said softly, and Sirius wondered briefly how the hell he could manage to be so articulate when he had to be burning up, how could he not be on fire the way Sirius was, his clothes far too heavy on his body? Remus’s eyes glittered. “Come on, Sirius,” he persisted. “Get up on the desk.”

Feeling almost scorched, Sirius did as Remus said, reaching blindly behind him for the nearest desk and heaving himself on top of it without taking his eyes off Remus. He couldn’t tear his eyes away and didn’t want to, not as Remus loosened the collar of his robes. He grabbed a chair, and, also without taking his eyes off Sirius, dragged it over to right in front of the desk Sirius was sitting on, and sat down in it. He scooted it closer, so that his nose was just in front of Sirius’s abdomen, and looked up. His pupils were almost dilated, and Sirius swallowed.

“You must be hot,” Remus said lightly, and Sirius realized belatedly that he was sweating. “Why don’t you take off those robes?”

Sirius’s hands crept up, loosened his collar, tugged his arms out of the sleeves and the whole thing over his head as Remus watched. And Remus watched as Sirius did more, tugged his white t-shirt over his head, and watched as Sirius undid the fastenings of his trousers, and watched as he pulled them and his boxers down and off, tossing them away as if it didn’t matter where they landed. And it didn’t, not when Remus was watching him like that, so _intense..._

“You too,” Sirius said, once he could make his throat work. “You undress too. Want to see you, Moony. Want to see you when you’re naked and looking at me...”

Remus smiled. And Remus stood up, pulling his own robes off and tossing them to possibly land with Sirius’s trousers, wherever they were. The shirt followed, a red banner floating to a desk somewhere behind him. He started on the button of his trousers, and Sirius leaned forward to help him, but Remus stepped back. “Just watch,” Remus told him, and so Sirius watched. Watched as Remus pulled the trousers down and stepped out of them, kicking them aside. Watched as Remus hooked his thumbs in his boxers and pulled them down and tossed them away as well. Watched as Remus, naked and glittering eyes fixed on him, sat down again in the chair and watched him in return.

“Remus,” he breathed, reaching a hand out to touch him, but Remus shook his head, and Sirius drew his hand back.

“Not yet,” Remus said. The fire in his eyes grew just that bit bigger. “I want to watch you.” He lowered his eyelids, hiding the fire, but Sirius knew it hadn’t gone out. If it had gone out, he wouldn’t have felt half this hot. “Touch yourself for me,” Remus said, his voice low. “I want to watch you touch yourself.”

His hand trembling slightly, Sirius lightly wrapped his fingers around his cock. He spread his legs wider, so Remus could see better, and ran his thumb over the slit, where pre-come was leaking out. He stroked himself, closing his eyes and moaning slightly, knowing that Remus was watching him, Remus wanted to watch him do this to himself. He opened his eyes again to see Remus leaning forward, his own legs spread so that his knees were around the edges of the chair, his eyes intent on Sirius and his right hand around his own cock as his left hand gripped the desk. And looking at that, at Remus stroke himself while watching Sirius, Sirius couldn’t help himself, and came, loudly, spilling into his hand and on the floor. And then Remus gasped and leaned back in his chair as he came too, his own orgasm set off by watching Sirius’s.

Sirius raised his hand to his lips and was about to lick the come off his fingers when a hand wrapped around his wrist, pulling it away. “Let me,” Remus said quietly, and scooted closer, bringing Sirius’s hand to his lips before carefully taking the index finger into his mouth.

Sirius watched as Remus sucked on his fingers, his eyes now closed in concentration, his tongue wonderfully massaging the pads, until every last vestige of come was licked away. Remus’s own hand was clean, and Sirius looked down on the floor to see his come mixing with Remus’s. He smiled. He liked that idea, that something so intimately his and something so intimately Remus’s should become something so intimately _theirs_.

Remus released his hand and Sirius drew it back, rubbing the wetness of Remus’s mouth away on his body. Remus watched him, dragging his eyes all over Sirius’s body, and, impossibly, Sirius felt his cock begin to stir again.

“Ready again so soon?” Remus teased him breathily, having noticed it the same time Sirius did.

“You are too,” Sirius returned, breathing quickly, seeing that Remus’s erection was back as well. Werewolf stamina, such a wonderful thing sometimes. Especially when Sirius could keep up.

Remus stood up, leaning forward and brushing his lips lightly over Sirius’s. “Stay there,” he murmured. “I’ll be right back.” And then he quickly disappeared into…Professor Nackledirk’s office? But he returned just as quickly, and with a small jar of something.

“Why’d you go in Nackledirk’s office?” Sirius asked curiously, as Remus stood in front of him. “And what’s that stuff?”

Remus smiled mischievously. “You know, we’ve only ever used the spell,” he said. “And I wanted to see what it was like with real lube.”

“Why?” Sirius asked, frowning slightly. “The spell works.”

Remus grinned, showing teeth. “It does,” he agreed, “but I wanted to try this. And if I use real lube instead of the spell, then I can prepare you myself. Would you like that, Sirius?” Such raging fire in his eyes, Sirius saw, his mouth starting to go dry. “Would you like to feel my fingers up your arse before I fuck you?”

Belatedly, Sirius realized his mouth was open, and he closed it. Fingers...Remus’s fingers, that were so very talented with other things...Sirius nodded quickly, and Remus laughed.

“But,” Sirius said as Remus reached for the jar, and wondered why he was saying this, aside from curiosity, “why does Nackledirk have that stuff, and how’d you know about it?”

Remus snickered. “You know how Nackledirk’s one of those Potions Masters trying to find something to help lycanthropy?” he asked, and Sirius nodded. He knew what Nackledirk was doing--still didn’t like the professor himself, of course, but what he was doing wasn’t half bad--but what did that have to do with a tube of lube? “Well,” Remus said, and snickered again. “I was in his office one time about that, and I saw it one the shelves. Then he firecalled one of his colleagues for one reason or another, and I went over there and looked and there seemed to be several order forms as well. They said--” here he broke into chuckles, and Sirius waited for him to contain himself, “--they said ‘Livening lubricant, for all your sexual needs. From the mystic kettle of Professor Nackledirk’. I bet he sells it to porn mags.” Then he started laughing, and Sirius couldn’t help joining him.

Who would have thought! Professor Nackledirk, stuffy Potions Master and possibly professional bastard, making lube in his spare time? There was something insanely funny about this picture.

“Anyway,” Remus said, containing his laughter, “now that your curiosity as to its origin has been satisfied, how about we try it out?”

Sirius cut off his own laughter at that, his mind flashing back to images of Remus’s talented hands and what he would be doing with them, and barely bit back a groan. “Yes,” he said, “ohhh, yes.”

Remus grinned, and unscrewed the top of the jar, dipping his fingers in and bringing them back out coated in some clear gel. “Lie back,” he ordered, and Sirius leaned back on his elbows, glad that the desks were made big to hold all the potions ingredients.

Then he thought of something. “Cushions,” he said, and grinned at Remus. “Some cushions would be nice first, these desks are rather hard.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but he smiled and grabbed his wand, quickly conjuring some cushions and waiting patiently for Sirius to shove them beneath his hips and elbows before stepping closer. Sirius spread his legs wider, closing his eyes and waiting for that touch, Remus’s touch...

...And there it was, Remus’s gel-coated fingers carefully probing his opening, and Sirius’s eyes flew open again at the sensation. Warm, and delicately running around the rim, and ohhh. Sirius moaned, and shifted forward a bit, trying to get more of that. And then Remus pushed one finger inside and oh God, Sirius’s brain was on fire and all blood was rushing downward and the _sensation_ , and Remus, rubbing a finger inside him, only now it was two and Sirius moaned again, louder. Remus’s hand was on him and inside him and those two fingers were doing marvelous things to him, and then angled and brushed something, and Sirius yelped and shoved forward. More of that, please. Fuck. Fuck, but that felt good.

And then it was gone and _why_ was it gone and Sirius was about to ask that very question when he looked and saw Remus on the desk as well, slicking his cock with that lubricant from the mystic kettle of Nackledirk, and then his cock was where his fingers had just been and OH GOD. Sirius shoved forward again to meet Remus’s thrust and the cushions moved with him. Remus pulled out and thrust back in again, so bloody hot, the stars were exploding around them and enveloping them in heat, and Remus’s cock hit what his fingers had only brushed and oh God oh God ohgodohgodohgod do that again Remus do it again! The stars were exploding, the sun was exploding, the fucking earth was exploding beneath them, and they kept their eyes on each other and watched the fire roar, and build up higher and higher, and Remus’s hand wrapped around Sirius’s cock, and Sirius exploded too, coming hard into Remus’s hand and spilling on his stomach. And then Remus followed, collapsing on top of Sirius as he emptied himself inside.

Remus laid his head on Sirius’s chest, Sirius’s arms around his back, as they recovered. “That was bloody brilliant, Remus,” Sirius said softly as soon as he could speak again. “Let’s use lube instead of the spell again. D’you think Nackledirk will miss that jar?”

Remus chuckled tiredly. “Let’s hope not,” he said. “We’re certainly taking it with us. Besides,” he yawned, “he can always make more.”

Sirius laughed. “Happy birthday, Remus,” he said, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the center of Remus’s head.

“Sex as a birthday present, always good,” Remus said, and smiled. “Though thanks to this, we have a bit more to clean up before the room will be presentable.”

Sirius looked at the clock. “We still have over two hours,” he said. “Let’s just…stay like this awhile. We can do it later.”

“Mmmmm,” Remus agreed. “Won’t take more than a few seconds for scourgify anyway.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, holding Remus closer. Never mind that they were still on the desk; his limbs certainly felt boneless enough right now that it didn’t matter. And even if Nackledirk walked in and saw them like this…well, at least he’d know that his product was being put to good use.


End file.
